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A Believer Who Doubts

“There is the “you” that people see and then there is the “rest of you”.”

I”ve had a terrible day today. The really sad thing is there”s no reason for me to have made the previous statement. I didn”t face any sort of controversy; everyone I was in contact with today was generally pleasant to deal with; plus I found out there”s a new Mexican restaurant in the little town that I live in. So, what could get me down on a day like today? Part of the “rest of me,” as Manning called it in this chapter, started whispering in the back of my mind.

doubt

You see, it didn”t matter how good the day was going; in the back of my mind, true or not, everything was falling apart around me. My heart was heavy with doubt about multiple things. The worst thing about it was I knew what was happening and I wasn”t able to stop it. But like a breath out of heaven a song came on when I was driving home. I had set my player to random; and out of nearly 3400 songs, Jenny & Tyler”s “Carry Me” came on. Through it I felt the furious pursuit of love of Abba one more time.

The song is about someone who is broken down with little to no hope left. In her shame and despite her pride she calls out to God to lift her up and carry her. The response to her pleas comes from the Father in the following way:

When I first met you I drew you in close to Me
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I”ve never left you, nor will I ever leave
Child believe, child believe

god is love

I wasn”t thinking about what I was going to write for this post; I didn”t even know if I could write in the state I was in, but hearing this song reminded me what this chapter was all about. It didn”t matter how deserving I felt of having a good day or even experience the love of God in it; He proves daily that He cannot help but love me even in my most unlovely state. In Manning”s words,

The furious love of God knows no shadow of alteration or change. It is reliable. And always tender.

The quote that started off this post was taken from the “Consider This” questions at the end of the chapter. If I examine myself after today, I must say that I Philip Stasyszen am a believer that still struggles with his doubts but is always aware of the insurmountable and furious love of Father God. That is part of the “rest of me.”

12 Responses to “A Believer Who Doubts”

  1. Mallory says:

    Praying for you today, friend. We all have days like this. In fact, I think I had one on Monday. Good thing He is always faithful to get our attention and hearts back where they need to be as long as we are willing to be open.
    Mallory recently posted..The Love of a FatherMy Profile

  2. Thomas Mason says:

    It’s amazing to me, that in spite of ourselves, God is still there and He won’t leave us.
    Thomas Mason recently posted..Paradoxes and ContradictionsMy Profile

  3. Sarah Salter says:

    Philip, I know what you’re talking about… About how even on a day when nothing goes wrong, I just can’t convince myself that it’s a good day. Because doubt creeps in and whispers in my ear. And no matter how good I am, it’s not enough. And no matter how good the day is, there’s still a heaviness. And I look at people around me speaking faith words, and all I know is that I must be some kind of screwed up that I can’t feel that, too. That I can’t rise above it. And so I smile and fake like I’m victorious–because the Bible says I am–but I feel so far from victorious that I can’t even remember what the word “victory” sounds like. I despair and I want to scream, but instead, I quiet myself and look at the clouds and whisper, “God, are you there?” And He answers, “I AM.” And I cling to that because it’s all I’ve got. But that’s okay, because it’s enough.

  4. Seems like these days just come sometimes. I used to get upset that it took me so long to remember His love, to give Him praise, to thank Him for His blessings. At this moment, I stand grateful that I have the opportunity to even remember, praise, or offer thanksgiving. That we snap out of it at all is a beautiful testimony to His love. Thanks Philip. So glad He meets us where we are!
    Jason Stasyszen recently posted..God Isn’t in the WordsMy Profile

  5. HisFireFly says:

    and that love, His furious love surrounds you, in your faith and in your doubt

    when will we truly wrap our heads around that?
    HisFireFly recently posted..all of meMy Profile

  6. I see nothing wrong with a believer having doubts from time to time. They cement faith if taken to the right Source. As for the song, who is Jenny & tyler?
    bill (cycleguy) recently posted..WeirdMy Profile

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